February 25, 2009
BY FRANK MAIN Crime Reporter fmain@suntimes.com
The Cook County sheriff's office and the Chicago Police Department are launching new efforts to weed out bad apples.
Sheriff Tom Dart recently ordered his internal-affairs investigators to conduct background checks on every one of the office's roughly 7,000 employees, spokesman Steve Patterson said.
Under the department's rules, every sworn law enforcement officer is required to report any contact with police. If they don't, they could be fired, Patterson said. Also, any sworn officer with a felony conviction can't keep that post, he said.
"As for civilian employees, we'd look at it on a case-by-case basis," Patterson said.
The Chicago Police Department, meanwhile, is sending four officers and a sergeant through training to operate polygraph machines. Anyone applying to be an officer will have to take a lie-detector test, said Ted O'Keefe, head of the department's personnel division.
Patterson said the sheriff's office already requires people applying for sworn positions to take a polygraph test. Sworn positions include correctional officers, court deputies and police officers.
Applicants are asked about drug sales, theft, time-sheet fraud, vandalism, gang affiliations and arrests, Patterson said. Last year, 295 applicants took polygraph tests, he said.
"The test gives us tremendous insight into the backgrounds of people applying for law enforcement jobs," he said, adding, "The test results aren't the sole determining factor in deciding whether someone gets hired."
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Former fed Blakey gets top Cook County corruption-fighting post
February 19, 2009
BY RUMMANA HUSSAIN Criminal Courts Reporter
Cook County State's Attorney Anita Alvarez introduced Jack Blakey today as her office's new special prosecutions chief.
The former assistant U.S. attorney will be in charge of pursuing corruption cases, as well as organized-crime and narcotics investigations.
Blakey moves to Alvarez's staff from the office of U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald, where he was on the team that successfully prosecuted Tony Rezko on corruption charges involving state of Illinois deals under ousted Gov. Rod Blagojevich.
As Chicago Sun-Times columnist Michael Sneed reported today, crime-busting is in Blakey's blood. His father, George Robert Blakey, was the principal author of the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act, known for short as the RICO law, that's often used to prosecute organized-crime figures, and is a preeminent authority on the law. The father has been a law professor at the University of Notre Dame since 1980 and, before that, also taught there from 1964 to 1969.
BY RUMMANA HUSSAIN Criminal Courts Reporter
Cook County State's Attorney Anita Alvarez introduced Jack Blakey today as her office's new special prosecutions chief.
The former assistant U.S. attorney will be in charge of pursuing corruption cases, as well as organized-crime and narcotics investigations.
Blakey moves to Alvarez's staff from the office of U.S. Attorney Patrick Fitzgerald, where he was on the team that successfully prosecuted Tony Rezko on corruption charges involving state of Illinois deals under ousted Gov. Rod Blagojevich.
As Chicago Sun-Times columnist Michael Sneed reported today, crime-busting is in Blakey's blood. His father, George Robert Blakey, was the principal author of the Racketeer Influenced and Corrupt Organizations Act, known for short as the RICO law, that's often used to prosecute organized-crime figures, and is a preeminent authority on the law. The father has been a law professor at the University of Notre Dame since 1980 and, before that, also taught there from 1964 to 1969.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
2 city workers charged in park drug deal
HUMBOLDT PARK | Firefighter, Water Dept. worker accused of cocaine transaction
February 17, 2009
BY FRAN SPIELMAN AND ANNIE SWEENEY Staff Reporters
A 62-year-old Chicago firefighter has been charged with selling cocaine to a worker in the Department of Water Management, which was at the center of a 2005 heroin-trafficking scandal.
Fire engineer Ruben Santiago has been placed on an unpaid leave of absence after being charged Thursday with manufacture, delivery and possession of more than 15 grams of cocaine.
Waldemar Cruz, a 63-year-old Water Management rate taker who allegedly bought drugs from Santiago, was charged with felony possession of a controlled substance. His employment status was not known.
The alleged drug deal between two city employees in their 60s allegedly took place in the inner drive of Humboldt Park.
Officers from the Chicago Police Department's gang enforcement unit conducting surveillance in response to complaints of narcotics sales in Humboldt Park reportedly observed the hand-to-hand transaction.
After the 2 p.m. street sale, Santiago allegedly got into his personal vehicle and threw drugs on the ground after being stopped by police. Cruz was also driving his personal car, sources said.
"At this time, there is no indication that anything illegal was done on city time. However, the conduct alleged clearly violates the oath taken to protect life," said Fire Department spokesman Larry Langford.
In 2005, a Water Management hoisting engineer who served as a deputy voter registrar for the Hispanic Democratic Organization was accused of heading the Chicago arm of a Colombia heroin-trafficking ring. George A. Prado was arrested along with two other city employees.
Santiago's arrest marks the latest in a series of black eyes for the Chicago Fire Department.
In December, firefighter Jose Moreno was charged with sexually molesting three young children, including a 3-year-old girl and two boys, ages 5 and 6. He was hired to be their caretaker three or four times a week.
Two weeks later, another firefighter was charged with fraud and forgery; he allegedly stole natural gas after the heat was cut off at his home.
Chicago firefighters and paramedics are subject to random drug testing that traditionally yields a 1 percent positive rate, "which is good," Langford said.
February 17, 2009
BY FRAN SPIELMAN AND ANNIE SWEENEY Staff Reporters
A 62-year-old Chicago firefighter has been charged with selling cocaine to a worker in the Department of Water Management, which was at the center of a 2005 heroin-trafficking scandal.
Fire engineer Ruben Santiago has been placed on an unpaid leave of absence after being charged Thursday with manufacture, delivery and possession of more than 15 grams of cocaine.
Waldemar Cruz, a 63-year-old Water Management rate taker who allegedly bought drugs from Santiago, was charged with felony possession of a controlled substance. His employment status was not known.
The alleged drug deal between two city employees in their 60s allegedly took place in the inner drive of Humboldt Park.
Officers from the Chicago Police Department's gang enforcement unit conducting surveillance in response to complaints of narcotics sales in Humboldt Park reportedly observed the hand-to-hand transaction.
After the 2 p.m. street sale, Santiago allegedly got into his personal vehicle and threw drugs on the ground after being stopped by police. Cruz was also driving his personal car, sources said.
"At this time, there is no indication that anything illegal was done on city time. However, the conduct alleged clearly violates the oath taken to protect life," said Fire Department spokesman Larry Langford.
In 2005, a Water Management hoisting engineer who served as a deputy voter registrar for the Hispanic Democratic Organization was accused of heading the Chicago arm of a Colombia heroin-trafficking ring. George A. Prado was arrested along with two other city employees.
Santiago's arrest marks the latest in a series of black eyes for the Chicago Fire Department.
In December, firefighter Jose Moreno was charged with sexually molesting three young children, including a 3-year-old girl and two boys, ages 5 and 6. He was hired to be their caretaker three or four times a week.
Two weeks later, another firefighter was charged with fraud and forgery; he allegedly stole natural gas after the heat was cut off at his home.
Chicago firefighters and paramedics are subject to random drug testing that traditionally yields a 1 percent positive rate, "which is good," Langford said.
Could Burris’ new statement protect him from perjury charge?
February 17, 2009
BY DAVE MCKINNEY AND NATASHA KORECKI Staff Reporters
The ranking Republican on the Illinois House panel that moved to impeach former Gov. Rod Blagojevich said today he does not want to reconvene the committee to accept Sen. Roland Burris’ changed testimony.
Doing so, Rep. Jim Durkin (R-Western Springs), could give Burris an ironclad defense against perjury charges should they be brought against him by a Sangamon County prosecutor.
If House Democrats allow Burris to present his revised affidavit, “They’re quietly giving him the ability to rehabilitate himself to bar any prosecution under perjury,” Durkin said.
The provision of the perjury statute that could protect Burris reads this way:
“Where the contradictory statements are made in the same continuous trial, an admission by the offender in that same continuous trial of the falsity of a contradictory statement shall bar prosecution — under any provisions of this code.”
On Monday, state Rep. Jack Franks (D-Woodstock) became the first high-ranking House Democrat to call for the House Special Investigative Committee to be reconvened and to demand that Burris reappear and explain the discrepancies in his testimony.
“This, to me, is a very clever way to pound their fists,” Durkin said. “The greatest defenders of Mr. Burris are all of a sudden angered and troubled about the new affidavit. But they’re also winking at Sen. Burris at the same time.”
BY DAVE MCKINNEY AND NATASHA KORECKI Staff Reporters
The ranking Republican on the Illinois House panel that moved to impeach former Gov. Rod Blagojevich said today he does not want to reconvene the committee to accept Sen. Roland Burris’ changed testimony.
Doing so, Rep. Jim Durkin (R-Western Springs), could give Burris an ironclad defense against perjury charges should they be brought against him by a Sangamon County prosecutor.
If House Democrats allow Burris to present his revised affidavit, “They’re quietly giving him the ability to rehabilitate himself to bar any prosecution under perjury,” Durkin said.
The provision of the perjury statute that could protect Burris reads this way:
“Where the contradictory statements are made in the same continuous trial, an admission by the offender in that same continuous trial of the falsity of a contradictory statement shall bar prosecution — under any provisions of this code.”
On Monday, state Rep. Jack Franks (D-Woodstock) became the first high-ranking House Democrat to call for the House Special Investigative Committee to be reconvened and to demand that Burris reappear and explain the discrepancies in his testimony.
“This, to me, is a very clever way to pound their fists,” Durkin said. “The greatest defenders of Mr. Burris are all of a sudden angered and troubled about the new affidavit. But they’re also winking at Sen. Burris at the same time.”
Ex-alderman Troutman sentenced to four years in prison
February 17, 2009
BY NATASHA KORECKI Federal Courts Reporter
Despite a tearful plea for mercy, proclaiming she's "no monster," former Ald. Arenda Troutman was sentenced to four years in prison on mail fraud and tax fraud charges that were part of a corruption investigation.
An emotional Troutman hung her head and apologized to her ward, the city and for bringing "shame" to her family.
"As God as my witness, I am no monster. I am not a criminal and I never helped criminals," Troutman said.
U.S. District Judge Ruben Castillo said he couldn't understand how public officials continue, year after year, to think they can get away with corruption.
"You are a walking contradiction," Castillo said. Adding "you join the hall of shame," of corrupt Illinois politicians.
Troutman, a single mother of three, said she turned on the radio this morning -- and her son heard about his mother's predicament.
"I looked at my son's face. I didn't know what to do or say but tell him I loved him and that I'm sorry," she said, crying.
"I'm sorry. I'm regretful. There's still good in me."
A prosecutor in the case said today the corruption case grew out of a probe into the Black Disciples street gang. Assistant U.S. Attorney Joseph Alesia said agents doing surveillance on gang kingpin Marvel Thompson saw a meeting take place between the ex-alderman and Thompson.
It was later revealed that Troutman carried on a relationship with another member of the gang, Donnell Jehan. Alesia said it was "aggravating" for law enforcement to battle gangs only to find Troutman, an alderman, had befriended gang members and used them to help her in campaigning.
"It is appalling and something the court should consider," in sentencing, Alesia said.
Alesia also revealed that on the day agents knocked on her door for her arrest, she was shredding documents having to do with the Hired Truck program and a family member who had business in that controversial program.
The Sun-Times previously revealed Troutman's family ties to the program and first reported that Troutman's shredder was still warm when agents entered her home in the 2007 raid.
Troutman admitted she coerced kickbacks totaling $21,500 over the years from developers to support their projects in her South Side ward and, in one case, outside her ward. She was famously caught on wiretaps saying that all aldermen are "ho's."
Her lawyer, Michael Gillespie, said Troutman, 51, is a single mother of three and repentant.
"Her actions are terrible," Gillespie said. "But judge, you have to look at this picture as a whole."
He spoke of doing work for affordable housing, kids, seniors and the poor.
Troutman, wearing a tan pants suit, was soft-spoken, tearful and repeatedly apologized for her actions.
BY NATASHA KORECKI Federal Courts Reporter
Despite a tearful plea for mercy, proclaiming she's "no monster," former Ald. Arenda Troutman was sentenced to four years in prison on mail fraud and tax fraud charges that were part of a corruption investigation.
An emotional Troutman hung her head and apologized to her ward, the city and for bringing "shame" to her family.
"As God as my witness, I am no monster. I am not a criminal and I never helped criminals," Troutman said.
U.S. District Judge Ruben Castillo said he couldn't understand how public officials continue, year after year, to think they can get away with corruption.
"You are a walking contradiction," Castillo said. Adding "you join the hall of shame," of corrupt Illinois politicians.
Troutman, a single mother of three, said she turned on the radio this morning -- and her son heard about his mother's predicament.
"I looked at my son's face. I didn't know what to do or say but tell him I loved him and that I'm sorry," she said, crying.
"I'm sorry. I'm regretful. There's still good in me."
A prosecutor in the case said today the corruption case grew out of a probe into the Black Disciples street gang. Assistant U.S. Attorney Joseph Alesia said agents doing surveillance on gang kingpin Marvel Thompson saw a meeting take place between the ex-alderman and Thompson.
It was later revealed that Troutman carried on a relationship with another member of the gang, Donnell Jehan. Alesia said it was "aggravating" for law enforcement to battle gangs only to find Troutman, an alderman, had befriended gang members and used them to help her in campaigning.
"It is appalling and something the court should consider," in sentencing, Alesia said.
Alesia also revealed that on the day agents knocked on her door for her arrest, she was shredding documents having to do with the Hired Truck program and a family member who had business in that controversial program.
The Sun-Times previously revealed Troutman's family ties to the program and first reported that Troutman's shredder was still warm when agents entered her home in the 2007 raid.
Troutman admitted she coerced kickbacks totaling $21,500 over the years from developers to support their projects in her South Side ward and, in one case, outside her ward. She was famously caught on wiretaps saying that all aldermen are "ho's."
Her lawyer, Michael Gillespie, said Troutman, 51, is a single mother of three and repentant.
"Her actions are terrible," Gillespie said. "But judge, you have to look at this picture as a whole."
He spoke of doing work for affordable housing, kids, seniors and the poor.
Troutman, wearing a tan pants suit, was soft-spoken, tearful and repeatedly apologized for her actions.
Wednesday, December 10, 2008
Lawyer: Rep. Jackson 'completely guiltless'
U.S. Rep. Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-Ill.) is "completely guiltless" in the alleged scheme to corrupt the appointment of a new U.S. senator from Illinois and will meet with federal investigators as soon as Friday, the congressman's newly hired lawyer said today.
Jackson was not named in the criminal complaint yesterday charging Gov. Rod Blagojevich with trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama. But descriptions in the court document fit the congressman's profile and sources have further identified him as the "Senate Candidate 5" who was among those being considered for the job.
Jackson hired longtime Chicago lawyer James Montgomery Sr. on Tuesday after federal prosecutors unveiled criminal charges against Blagojevich and top aide John Harris, sources said.
"There is nothing there to implicate the congressman," Montgomery told the Tribune. The attorney said he and Jackson have been advised by a top deputy to U.S. Atty. Patrick Fitzgerald that Jackson is not a target of the investigation.
Montgomery said he expected Jackson would meet with officials from Fitzgerald's office as soon as Friday.
In an interview posted on the ABC News website today, Jackson did not specify who had told him he was not a target. He also said he did not know whether he was Candidate 5.
Jackson did say, however, that prosecutors had asked him to "come in and share my insights and thoughts about the selection process" and he planned to do so after consulting with his lawyer.
A lengthy government affidavit filed with the criminal complaint against Blagojevich refers to a Senate Candidate 5 who was under on-again, off-again consideration by the governor as a replacement for Obama in the Senate.
The affidavit quotes Blagojevich from a surveillance recording as describing an approach by an emissary of Candidate 5 who had promised to raise upwards of $1 million for Blagojevich if Candidate 5 secured the Senate seat.
On Oct. 31, according to the affidavit, Blagojevich described an approach by an associate of Senate Candidate 5. "We were approached 'pay to play.' That, you know, he'd raise me 500 grand. An emissary came. Then the other guy would raise a million, if I made [Senate Candidate 5] a senator," Blagojevich allegedly said.
Last week, according to the affidavit, Blagojevich told an adviser that he was giving greater consideration to Senate Candidate 5 because that person could raise money for Blagojevich if he ran for re-election and perhaps kick in "some [money] upfront" as well. And Blagojevich was recorded as saying that he was going to meet with Senate Candidate 5 in the next few days, the affidavit said.
On Monday, Jackson met with Blagojevich to discuss the Senate post. Last week, Jackson told the Tribune that he had recently reached out to Blagojevich confidant John Wyma as well as the governor's patronage chief, Victor Roberson, to discuss the Senate job. The Tribune reported last week that Wyma has been cooperating with the federal corruption probe of Blagojevich.
Blagojevich allegedly told one of his fundraisers to pass a message to someone identified in the affidavit only as Individual D whom Blagojevich believed to be close to Senate Candidate 5: If Candidate 5 was to land the Senate seat, "some of this stuff's gotta start happening now . . . right now . . . and we gotta see it. You understand?"
Of the affidavit, Montgomery said: "Even if you read that in its worst light, it was an assumption on the part of Blagojevich that his operatives had sought to induce someone who he believes to be as associate of the congressman to engage in a quid pro quo for the Senate seat."
Jackson told ABC News he had authorized no one to make overtures to Blagojevich on his behalf and said he was sure no one did.
"It's impossible for someone on my behalf to have a conversation that would suggest any type of quid pro quo, payments or offers," Jackson declared. "It's an impossibility to an absolute certainty."
-- Bob Secter and Dan Mihalopoulos
Jackson was not named in the criminal complaint yesterday charging Gov. Rod Blagojevich with trying to sell the Senate seat vacated by President-elect Barack Obama. But descriptions in the court document fit the congressman's profile and sources have further identified him as the "Senate Candidate 5" who was among those being considered for the job.
Jackson hired longtime Chicago lawyer James Montgomery Sr. on Tuesday after federal prosecutors unveiled criminal charges against Blagojevich and top aide John Harris, sources said.
"There is nothing there to implicate the congressman," Montgomery told the Tribune. The attorney said he and Jackson have been advised by a top deputy to U.S. Atty. Patrick Fitzgerald that Jackson is not a target of the investigation.
Montgomery said he expected Jackson would meet with officials from Fitzgerald's office as soon as Friday.
In an interview posted on the ABC News website today, Jackson did not specify who had told him he was not a target. He also said he did not know whether he was Candidate 5.
Jackson did say, however, that prosecutors had asked him to "come in and share my insights and thoughts about the selection process" and he planned to do so after consulting with his lawyer.
A lengthy government affidavit filed with the criminal complaint against Blagojevich refers to a Senate Candidate 5 who was under on-again, off-again consideration by the governor as a replacement for Obama in the Senate.
The affidavit quotes Blagojevich from a surveillance recording as describing an approach by an emissary of Candidate 5 who had promised to raise upwards of $1 million for Blagojevich if Candidate 5 secured the Senate seat.
On Oct. 31, according to the affidavit, Blagojevich described an approach by an associate of Senate Candidate 5. "We were approached 'pay to play.' That, you know, he'd raise me 500 grand. An emissary came. Then the other guy would raise a million, if I made [Senate Candidate 5] a senator," Blagojevich allegedly said.
Last week, according to the affidavit, Blagojevich told an adviser that he was giving greater consideration to Senate Candidate 5 because that person could raise money for Blagojevich if he ran for re-election and perhaps kick in "some [money] upfront" as well. And Blagojevich was recorded as saying that he was going to meet with Senate Candidate 5 in the next few days, the affidavit said.
On Monday, Jackson met with Blagojevich to discuss the Senate post. Last week, Jackson told the Tribune that he had recently reached out to Blagojevich confidant John Wyma as well as the governor's patronage chief, Victor Roberson, to discuss the Senate job. The Tribune reported last week that Wyma has been cooperating with the federal corruption probe of Blagojevich.
Blagojevich allegedly told one of his fundraisers to pass a message to someone identified in the affidavit only as Individual D whom Blagojevich believed to be close to Senate Candidate 5: If Candidate 5 was to land the Senate seat, "some of this stuff's gotta start happening now . . . right now . . . and we gotta see it. You understand?"
Of the affidavit, Montgomery said: "Even if you read that in its worst light, it was an assumption on the part of Blagojevich that his operatives had sought to induce someone who he believes to be as associate of the congressman to engage in a quid pro quo for the Senate seat."
Jackson told ABC News he had authorized no one to make overtures to Blagojevich on his behalf and said he was sure no one did.
"It's impossible for someone on my behalf to have a conversation that would suggest any type of quid pro quo, payments or offers," Jackson declared. "It's an impossibility to an absolute certainty."
-- Bob Secter and Dan Mihalopoulos
Happy birthday, Guv — How about a little self-exam?
Mary Schmich
December 10, 2008
Happy birthday, Governor.
Yeah, well, bleep you, too. Sit down. Yes, that seat is very hot. We don't coddle our clients here at to Pay-to-Play Therapy Inc., a fully licensed Illinois facility catering to crooked politicians. You're lucky we could squeeze you in. We're usually booked.
Let's cut to the chase, Guv. Are you out of your bleeping mind? Trying to sell—allegedly—a Senate seat? Trying—allegedly—to extort Tribune Co.? When you knew the feds were watching you through the sights of a loaded gun?
Ha ha ha. Very funny, sir, but you can't have me fired. I'm a therapist, not an editorial writer.
And I'm here to help you, Governor. You're 52 years old today. It's OK to feel sad. Fifty-two's no lollapalooza even if you're not a crook.
But it's especially sad for you. Just think. On Dec. 10, 1956, an innocent babe was born in Chicago. He grew up to be a husband, a father, a politician, an embarrassment to his state and a joke to the world. Help me to understand why someone would squander so much opportunity and promise.
That's all you can say? The word "bleep" again?
Here. Take this mirror. Birthdays are a time for self-examination. Are you proud of what you see?
Yes, you've still got a full head of hair. That's not what I meant. Keep looking while I consult my manual.
Hmm. "Delusional." Sounds right. How else could you think you had a chance of running for president in 2016?
"Compulsive." That works. You certainly seem to have been overpowered by repetitive, irrational behavior.
"Arrogant?" Yes. "Narcissistic?" Could be. Hmm. I don't see an entry for "dumb."
Sir. Please. Do I have to warn you again about the word "bleeping?"
I agree with you on one thing, Governor. No, not about the media. It's true they're feasting on your woes, but you have to admit that those taped phone conversations are pretty juicy meat.
Like the time you allegedly were talking about Barack Obama's open Senate seat and said, "I've got this thing, and it's [bleeping] golden. And I'm just not giving it up for [bleeping] nothing."
Grade A sirloin, sir.
Anyway, the thing we probably agree on is your kids. I'm sad for them, too. I'm sad they had to wake up Tuesday and find their dad had been hustled out of the house at dawn by the FBI. I'm sorry you put them in that position.
Are you listening, Governor? I get the feeling you don't listen very well. Can I read you something? It's from the statement by U.S. Atty. Patrick Fitzgerald. Ready?
"The breadth of corruption laid out in these charges," he wrote, "is staggering. They allege that Blagojevich put a 'for sale' sign on the naming of a United States senator; involved himself personally in pay-to-play schemes with the urgency of a salesman meeting his annual sales target; and corruptly used his office in an effort to trample editorial voices of criticism."
Can we at least agree that Pat Fitzgerald can turn a phrase?
Governor, our time's almost up, so I'm going to offer you some advice. Even if these charges haven't been proven, they're so strong and the evidence is so compelling that this state and this city are weakened if you stay. Give up your job. Give Illinois back. Commemorate your birthday by giving the people that gift. You owe us.
December 10, 2008
Happy birthday, Governor.
Yeah, well, bleep you, too. Sit down. Yes, that seat is very hot. We don't coddle our clients here at to Pay-to-Play Therapy Inc., a fully licensed Illinois facility catering to crooked politicians. You're lucky we could squeeze you in. We're usually booked.
Let's cut to the chase, Guv. Are you out of your bleeping mind? Trying to sell—allegedly—a Senate seat? Trying—allegedly—to extort Tribune Co.? When you knew the feds were watching you through the sights of a loaded gun?
Ha ha ha. Very funny, sir, but you can't have me fired. I'm a therapist, not an editorial writer.
And I'm here to help you, Governor. You're 52 years old today. It's OK to feel sad. Fifty-two's no lollapalooza even if you're not a crook.
But it's especially sad for you. Just think. On Dec. 10, 1956, an innocent babe was born in Chicago. He grew up to be a husband, a father, a politician, an embarrassment to his state and a joke to the world. Help me to understand why someone would squander so much opportunity and promise.
That's all you can say? The word "bleep" again?
Here. Take this mirror. Birthdays are a time for self-examination. Are you proud of what you see?
Yes, you've still got a full head of hair. That's not what I meant. Keep looking while I consult my manual.
Hmm. "Delusional." Sounds right. How else could you think you had a chance of running for president in 2016?
"Compulsive." That works. You certainly seem to have been overpowered by repetitive, irrational behavior.
"Arrogant?" Yes. "Narcissistic?" Could be. Hmm. I don't see an entry for "dumb."
Sir. Please. Do I have to warn you again about the word "bleeping?"
I agree with you on one thing, Governor. No, not about the media. It's true they're feasting on your woes, but you have to admit that those taped phone conversations are pretty juicy meat.
Like the time you allegedly were talking about Barack Obama's open Senate seat and said, "I've got this thing, and it's [bleeping] golden. And I'm just not giving it up for [bleeping] nothing."
Grade A sirloin, sir.
Anyway, the thing we probably agree on is your kids. I'm sad for them, too. I'm sad they had to wake up Tuesday and find their dad had been hustled out of the house at dawn by the FBI. I'm sorry you put them in that position.
Are you listening, Governor? I get the feeling you don't listen very well. Can I read you something? It's from the statement by U.S. Atty. Patrick Fitzgerald. Ready?
"The breadth of corruption laid out in these charges," he wrote, "is staggering. They allege that Blagojevich put a 'for sale' sign on the naming of a United States senator; involved himself personally in pay-to-play schemes with the urgency of a salesman meeting his annual sales target; and corruptly used his office in an effort to trample editorial voices of criticism."
Can we at least agree that Pat Fitzgerald can turn a phrase?
Governor, our time's almost up, so I'm going to offer you some advice. Even if these charges haven't been proven, they're so strong and the evidence is so compelling that this state and this city are weakened if you stay. Give up your job. Give Illinois back. Commemorate your birthday by giving the people that gift. You owe us.
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